The Art of Hosting: Why Your Living Room Beats Any Restaurant

A reflection on a decade of home gatherings, from a 18-square-meter Tokyo studio to creating meaningful connections through the simple act of opening your door

From Tokyo Studio to Helsinki, Shanghai Share Houses: My Home Party Journey

Looking back, the best times spent with friends were mostly at either my place or theirs.

At age 21, it was a half b1 flat that was literally just a bed and some more space that was 18 sqm in edges of Tokyo.
(Azalea house)

6 months before Tokyo was my student housing in outskirt of Helsinki. That place had much more space than Tokyo. Even better a big oven to bake salmon, cakes and Korean BBQ.

After that my share house in Shanghai. That place was a luxury compared to prior two. An apartment with 4 rooms and a big living room. The shared space combined it was by far the largest place I had lived. Lots of fond memories including inviting my then girl friend now wife to watch movies after our cafe, restaurant dates.

My wife and I now often co’host small home gatherings and parties quite often. Looking back the past 12 months the frequency is around 2 times a month. One every month begin quite planned and the other spontaneous invites mostly sent on Friday mornings.

So, what is it about inviting people to your own place. Apparently the places I lived in and the one I live in now are not the kind of show-off mansions where you throw parties to showcase how well you are doing.

Your Space as Self-Portrait

Your place is in a way an extension of yourself. My small room the barely had space for 3 people when I was 21 was a rough reflection of who I am. The university course books, protein supplement, and my under armour gym clothes lying around.

Inviting people to that room was an unapologetic way of showing who I am without any pretense.

Now, my somewhat larger place I share with my wife has a living room. Our wedding photos, my pull up bar and my wife's trophy she was bestowed by her company and so on tells the current version of our life story.

The Joy of Being the Host

It is one of the greatest feelings known to humans, the feeling of being the host, of hosting people, of being the person to whom they come for food and drink and company.
Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott

Being able to be a host has been a great joy throughout my twenties and I look forward to hosting many more home parties in my 30s as well.

The beauty of it again is that it does not have to be anything fancy. A cup of coffee or tea that you enjoy, and some treats that you brought back from a trip is more than enough.

What better way to befreind someone or strengthen ties than serve the guests what you personally enjoy. An easy way to show people to your world and with enough repeatition and joyful moments the guests often open up and start sharing their world as well. Magic!

You get to share what you love and in the process get to know what other people love more. Life expands in an organic way.

The Privacy Premium

What makes you feel like you spent a great time with your friends? To me a good sign is when a friend opens up and talks about something that they could not easily talk about elsewhere. Either good news and bad news the person sharing needs to feel safe in that space. A restaurant or a bar can be a safe place but being at a home, often adds that layer of safety and privacy that leads to more intimate moments.

Infinite Customization Possibilities

When my friend who grew up in Newyork came over for dinner I had a youtube playlist running with the view of manhatthan on my monitor. He did not realize at first, but after an hour he recognized the screen. This prompted him to share his childhood experiences growing up in NYC which was a treat to listen to.

The Economics of Connection

A night out with friends in Tokyo in 2024, it would depend a lot where you spend the time but usually is easily over 5k JPY. If you end up doing second rounds and even third can grow up to 8k to 10k JPY.

If you do the exact same at home, it usually costs half or less what it would cost outside. Even if you dont cook yourself it will still be a significant drop.

Beyond Dinner: The Activity Arsenal

Well eating, drinking and talking definitely takes up the majority of the home parties my wife and I host for sure. However we often use the following options to spice things up.

Board games

Catan, blockers and Avalon are our go to games. Having one good night by playing the game is worth the investment of buying the game in advance.

Beer tasting

Unless your friend group has professionals, go for 4 to 5 different types.

Pentomyme

Surprisingly entertaining, definitely better after a drink or two and people start putting in passion.

Movie nights

Make sure to share what you will be watching in advance. If the movie is something you can connect with more then even better. I once watched Lost in Translation with a few friends, and we had lots more to talk about since we ourselves were a bunch of foreigners in Tokyo.

Year-end party / Christmas party / Halloweend party / Baking party / Cooking party and so on..

The Host's Playbook: Hard-Won Lessons

1.When you send invitation, free the receiver of feeling like they have to go.

Well lets assume you decided to host a home party next week!(Yes!!!) Inviting people to join is an essential part of it. Here is a lesson I have learned after a decade of hosting various home parties.

Just announce that this party will happen either the receiver comes or not.

This liberates the receiver from feeling guilty that his or her attendance will lead to the party not happening.

Also, it is much more efficient to say

Hey, we are going to do a home party this Friday from 7pm. We would love to have you! Let me know if you can come by xx.

then going through the usual ´Hey what are you doing this Friday night?´ And then if they indeed are free inviting them to a home party.

2.Purposefully have something around 5 to 10 percent of either drinks or dessert unprepared.

This might sound counterintuitive but by having that little unprepared part, it creates an opportunity to have a break out time in the middle. What my wife and I often do is not to prepare the desserts in advance and suggest one or two people to join in picking up the desserts from a near by store after dinner. This usually takes 10 to 15 minutes. What it accomplishes is that we get to have a private 121 conversation with someone on the way to and back from the store. It is quite surprising what people open up about during this small private moments.

3.If there is space, provide access to a private space

If you have a terrace, or a spare room you can open up for the participants then do it. If you are hosting more than 4 sometimes magic happens between 2 people who take a 10min break from the gang, lounging somewhere private.

I remember the deep connection I first felt with my wife in the kitchen if that Shanghai dorm when most were having fun at the living room area.

Last Quote for thought

“Never show the slighted anxiety about the ultimate success of your own party. Show, by your attitude, that you are convinced it will be the best party ever given, and your guests will believe it too, and help to make it so.” Emily Post

Dont worry too much about people having fun throughout the night. Focus on enjoying yourself and then others will follow.