Pause before sending an angry email, give it some time
I received a rather angry email from an internal stakeholder. Apparently what I have requested did not make sense at all. However, going through the content I could see that there are some misunderstandings behind the emotional response. Also, it seemed like multiple people made similar requests to the person in the past that it triggered a more edgy response.
My analysis of the email aside, my first reponse(in my head thank god) was something like follownig
- Did you even ready my email thoroughly?
- How can yoube so obnoxious to communicate in this way?
- You took more than a month to write me back this peice of X?
and got quite angry myself. I was about to respond with something like - It seems like you did not even read the email and it took you a whole month to respond in this way. What I meant is ABC. We can come up with a workaround like the following so that it does not end up with your concerned result ..
However, any sign of me responding emotionally would surely guarntee that my request is denied. Also, it will lead to additional conflict with this internal stakeholder.
I was able to hold myself from sending that email. Tried my best to not think of it (although was quite grumpy for at least another 20 minutes..) and went to bed.
Next morning, I re-read the email and was not angry at all. Even had some sympathy imagining that this person must have gone through many many similar requests and have been stressed out to this point where a rather emotional email had be sent out. (In the past I have never received such email form this specific person)
It is hard to not get emotional at all. However, it is not professional to just get emotional for the sake of getting it out there. This became an important lesson for me. Sleeping over something or even just giving it an hour or two to think before sending any email that has a scent of negative emotion is well worth it.
Do wait before sending anything emotional or even better to write it all out and send it to yourself, read it after some good sleep and re-write.
Apparently similar practice was a habit of President Abram Lincoln.
Following is a summary of his habit for those who are interested.
"hot letters" or "angry letters." of President Abraham Lincoln
President Abraham Lincoln had a fascinating habit of writing what historians often refer to as his "hot letters" or "angry letters." When he was upset or frustrated with someone, he would write a strongly worded letter but refrain from sending it. Instead, he would set the letter aside, often marking it as “Never Sent” or "Put Aside." This practice was a form of emotional self-regulation and allowed him to vent his feelings without damaging relationships or escalating conflicts.
Examples and Significance:
- General George Meade: One of the most famous examples is a letter Lincoln wrote to General George Meade after the Battle of Gettysburg. While Meade’s leadership contributed to a Union victory, Lincoln was frustrated that Meade didn’t pursue and decisively defeat the retreating Confederate army. In his letter, Lincoln expressed his disappointment and urged Meade to seize opportunities. However, the letter was never sent, likely because Lincoln realized the demoralizing effect it could have had on Meade and the Union effort.
- Why He Wrote Them:
- To Vent: Writing the letters allowed Lincoln to articulate his frustrations and process his emotions in a controlled way.
- To Reflect: Setting the letters aside gave him time to reconsider his words and actions, often leading to a more measured response.
- To Lead Effectively: Lincoln understood the value of maintaining morale and relationships, especially during the Civil War, when unity among his leaders and troops was critical.